I hate your face
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
