yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
