yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I just threw up on my dentist
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
