I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
porn star boner night. come get it.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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