my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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