Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
