I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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