She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
