and she was petting her beer can
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
We had to coat check the pizza.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
