i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
