His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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