you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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