TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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