OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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