My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
