alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
