Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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