Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I woke up under a house in Key West
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
