I look better un-naked...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
