if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
