The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
