the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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