dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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