Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
