Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
