On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
