Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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