um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
