don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
