I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
