I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
