hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
