census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
