Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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