When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Someone signed my nipple.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
