is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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