Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
