if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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