My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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