I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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