Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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