My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
