when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
