Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
3 2 1 whiskey
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
