The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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