Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
even my farts smell like vagina
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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