Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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