You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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