I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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