This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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