Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
