It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
