i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
