I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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