rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
