Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
